I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
