i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
