I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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