She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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