Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
