Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
