my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I will pee on everything he values.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
