u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
