I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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