PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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