Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
