We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he shaved USA in his pubs
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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