Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
