Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
