billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
