hotel room ftw
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
