Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
