The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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