omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
