Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
