just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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