It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
