I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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