she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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