I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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