**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
