you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize