Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
