Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
