Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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