giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
