Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
