my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize