Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
