She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just found puke in my bra..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just high enough for therapy.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
