My hand turned me down
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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