I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
