judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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