i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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