How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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