Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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