if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
