Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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