I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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