You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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