I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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