just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
