if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
