I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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