headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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