what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My vagina is officially offended.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
