you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
