If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
