ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
