Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
