Who did Billy Mays play for?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
