I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
