Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
