Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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