Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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