Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't put those talents on a resume
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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