life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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