You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
