Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
